Play 5 - Blank Page

A radio play

I wanted to be interesting. 
I really did.
But I'm not really, am I? 
I like The Cure
And The Clash
But I don't like that they are called THE
It's well pretentious.
And I'm not really edgy.
I don't like greens.
I don't get veganism. 
I like meat. 
I like Friends
and Modern Family.
Super boring, I know.
Not a blank page, full of potential but a boring doodle you'd throw away.
​
I eat cereal for breakfast. 
I don't go to the gym. 
I see stuff at the cinema but never the really artsy, ballsy stuff. 
I'm not interesting. 
I'm not saying that just because, I don't want your pity. It's not something you need to feel sorry for me for. 
I mean, I'd like to be more interesting but at the end of the day it's fine. 
I could always take up something wacky I guess. 
Something to make me seem like I'm interesting. 
But not veganism. 

Being non-interesting has its perks. 
Strangers don't start conversations with you. 
People don't remember you so you can get free stuff twice.
Or more. I haven't really pushed my luck with that yet. 
You aren't accosted on the street by interesting types who work for charity. 
You do get harassed by people trying to sell stuff because they think you need stuff to feel happy. But most people get harassed by those jerks. 
It's like having a hangover, people don't have to try very hard to ignore you. 
I'm not interesting so people assume they don't need to worry about me. 

They'd be wrong. 
Not because I'm suicidal or something. 
No. 

I'm not interesting in the sense that I'll probably run you over. 
Or shoot you with my rifle, a whole island full of bodies. 
Freeze your cat. 
Stick your granny in a wheelie bin. 
A lone wolf. 
I'd be a terrorist if I was another skin colour. Lucky me, I get to be a 'bad egg' instead. 
I'm not a star athlete so it won't seem random or out of character.
That's the perk of not having a character.

Have I killed someone? 
Would that make me more interesting?
​You're seriously wishing I have, aren't you? 
You're obsessed with bad people, with those who cross that line, that live that life, that dare to end another's. 
It's okay. You're allowed. 
You're allowed to look at that car crash, don't look away. 
You're allowed to binge on Dexter. It's fascinating. 
You're alright. 
You just want to see, curiosity is normal. You think it's because you don't understand the urge but that's not necessarily true, is it? Maybe you watch and read and devour all you can about the 'bad eggs' because you wish you were brave enough. 
Because you think it's cool. 
Like smoking. 
it's pretty fucking cool. 
But I told you. 
I'm not interesting. 

And you're so disappointed now. What the hell are you listening to then? Just an average person? Someone completely normal and boring? 
Yup.
You're wishing I was a cold blooded killer. 
You'd probably keep listening in hope that I'll turn out to be for a while. 
You'd stomach the really boring stuff, the brushing of teeth, the doing dishes, the folding laundry, the story about how I forgot to buy eggs but wanted to make an omelette, the really mind numbing dullness of life just holding your breath for that eerie moment of calm and carefully constructed murder. 
And I want to be interesting. 
I want to gratify you, reward your patience and give you what you want. 
So here it is. 
I'm hiding some rat poison in some cheese. 
A rat squeaks. Silence.
Are you happy now?
I wanted to be interesting for you.
I really did.